Pairing/Character: Logan/Lilly, Logan/Veronica
Word Count: 1500
Rating: strong R for language/imagery
Summary: Lilly angst, Veronica smut - Logan mulls over it all for the holidays.
Spoilers: Up to "An Echolls Family Christmas"
Notes: For magnolian_lily Merry Christmas! I hope this is (remotely) something like you wanted. I have such mixed feelings about Logan, and I wanted to write him in a way that I agreed with. And then I think I got a little carried away, lmao.
Logan doesn't think he'll ever get over losing Lilly. And, hell, it's not because he hasn't tried. But she kept good on her promise to haunt him - a late night pledge made in jest, fueled by a bottle of stoli swiped from her parents' bar, and realized on the night of her death.
It isn't always bad to remember her. Sometimes he'll be in bed and he catches a shadow that reminds him of the way she moved over him in the dark. Or he'll go to button his shirt in the morning and he realizes he's missing one from when she tore it open in a frenzy to strip him, and he wears the shirt anyway.
But when she comes to him, when he could swear she's near him because every sound the wind makes is her voice whispering his name and every touch feels like her hand on him, that's when it hurts to remember her. That's when he feels like he's going crazy, and he tells himself that Lilly is long gone and she has better things to do than lurk in the dark corners of his room, and she doesn't walk the earth as a ghost, bound by unrequited love because they never got to say goodbye.
He dwells on that sometimes, to the point of obsession, even though he thinks closure is a myth. That if you have anything really worth having, you'll never truly get over losing it.
He still keeps a picture of her by his bed, in a ridiculously expensive silver frame. He thinks it doesn't do her justice, the portrait her mother forced her to pose for last year, that Lilly gave to him as a joke because it was a rare thing to have proof that the great Lilly Kane could ever take a bad picture. And though he hardly looks at it anymore, he can't bring himself to throw it away.
He has another picture of her that he keeps in his wallet, taken a few weeks before she died, that says a thousand words about what it was like to know her and how you were missing out on something special if you didn't.
He runs a thumb across the worn edges of it, tracing the crease down the center of it and closes his eyes, making sure the image is clear in his mind before tucking it back behind his driver's license. He keeps it hidden, keeps many things hidden, but none as personal or as painful as what losing Lilly meant to him.
It's become a ritual for him, so he doesn't forget. He worries that he'll forget, that her affect on him will slowly disappear, and Lilly deserves more than that. She'd hate it, not being the center of attention. She'd hate being forgotten all but one day a year, and immortalized on what she'd call a bad hair day.
What would burn her even more was the way her family wanted her to be remembered. As some sweet, innocent girl. The perfect daughter, the loving sister. They have no idea that she wasn't really like that. She was wild and reckless, and would hide him in the third stall in the girl's bathroom with his pants around his ankles and go down on him while they were supposed to be in homeroom. She could charm her way out of and into any situation. She gave him a reason not to let his family break him, when he was so close to losing it. He's never admitted that to anyone but her.
"Aren't you gonna open it?" Lilly sits in front of him, her blue eyes bright and eager. She watches amused as Logan tears through the paper, opens the box, and holds the contents up in front of his face, high enough for everyone to see.
"Lilly Kane, you are one sick and twisted girl." His arms drop down, and he bares his teeth in a smile. "And I do like it." Lilly squeals, delighted, and leans forward to plant a kiss on his lips.
"Lil," Duncan groans from somewhere behind, his face scrunched up in disgust, "you gave me the same exact thing."
"My gift," she explains, twisting around to sit between Logan's legs, "was for you for Veronica." She smiles, turns her gaze to her best friend, who's sitting next to Duncan with a bemused expression on her face.
"Veronica would never buy you undies." Lilly paused thoughtfully. "I'm not sure she's even seen your undies yet." Behind her, Logan snickers and wraps his arms around her waist, a sign he approves of the banter between the two girls.
"Hey," Veronica yelps, and halfheartedly flings a pillow in Lilly's direction, "I have too. Like right now, they're the red with - "
"Not the kind of thing," Duncan interrupts her mid-sentence, hooking an arm across her chest and drawing her towards him, "I want announced in front of my sister and my best friend."
"God, Duncan," Lilly rolls her eyes, "don't be such a prude."
"I'm not," Duncan insists and to prove he's really not, he buries his face in Veronica's neck, sucking and licking until she's giggling and squirming against him.
"Hey, a free show," Logan grins wickedly. Lilly turns around so that she's kneeling between his legs, and gives him a gentle shove in the forehead.
"Voyeur," she accuses him seriously and then laughs happily. "It's about time I rubbed off on you."
"Yeah," Veronica chimes in sarcastically, "it's about time for that."
"Oh my God, Veronica," Lilly's eyes widen, "not in front of my brother." She sticks her tongue out at Veronica, who mirrors the gesture, and they both collapse into a fit of hysterics. Logan catches Duncan's eyes and shrugs.
"I don't know, man. Lilly's hot. What's your excuse?" Duncan shoots Logan a dirty look, which only amuses him more.
"Don't be a jerk," Lilly jabs Logan with her elbow. "It's Christmas. And there's one more present for you." She turns around and lets him take a peek down her shirt. When he sees ribbon and glitter, he smiles, knowing exactly what his surprise will be.
And when Lilly kisses him, he watches Veronica out of the corner of his eye. He's not sure what that means.
Logan thinks he's hated many people in his life, but no one as much as Veronica Mars. It wasn't always that way. She and Lilly used to be inseparable. So alike in some ways, and such opposites in others that you could see why they were best friends. The kind of best friends that wet dreams were made of, and he used to joke to Duncan that he wouldn't mind giving up Lilly to Veronica, as long as he could watch.
But Lilly's gone now and he hates Veronica because she's too much like his dead girlfriend and it makes him angry when he sees her laughing and happy after everything that's happened. She's dealing with Lilly's death for real better than he can even pretend to, and he hates her and uses every opportunity he can to show her. The best way to hurt Veronica, he thinks, is to pretend she's Lilly when he fucks her.
The backseat is always cramped and their hushed conversation is always a variation on the same theme.
"Am I just a replacement for Lilly?" She asks the same question every time he comes to her, even though she already knows the answer.
"Don't flatter yourself," the words tumble from his lips. His eyes are cast downward, watching his hand work its way down the front of her jeans instead of watching her reaction. She bites back the urge to insult him and tangles her fingers in his hair, encouraging him.
"Oh, burn," she tries to sound sarcastic but falters as he finds the spot that makes her want to clench her thighs together and keep his hand buried there.
"Easy," he grits out, out of habit more than pain, "you're crushing my hand." But he doesn't try to move away. Instead, he slides his leg between hers and pushes harder, until she bucks against him, and he knows she's close.
He waits for the sharp intake of breath, for her body to tense beneath his, and marvels at how much she feels and tastes like Lilly when he closes his eyes. He tells himself that if Lilly really was around somewhere, watching what her death, in some twisted way, drove him to, she would get a perverse satisfaction out of it.
He feels weak for going to Veronica, desperate for needing her, wrong for fucking her, but she lets him anyway, and he's not really sure why. And if she cares at all that he pretends she's Lilly when he's on top of her, that he calls out Lilly's name when he's inside her, she doesn't let on.
He thinks that might mean she feels sorry for him.
Current Mood: *zzzz*
Current Music: All Apologies / Nirvana